It is the eve of Christmas Eve. Aubrey and I just got home from seeing the Nutcracker and having dinner at a fancy restaurant, just for fun! It has been hard to have fun lately. It’s the first Christmas without our son. It’s the first season that we are contemplating the birth of Christ, the suffering he was destined to endure, and the deliverance that we have because he chose to give the Father His “yes,” after enduring our own loss. I’m sitting here, thinking about sacrifice, thinking about brokenness, and thinking how it just doesn’t seem like our little family gets much downtime from facing adversity. My conclusion is that the point of life on earth is not to feel good, that’s not the goal. It can’t be. It can’t be because I have made the right choices, to have a feel-good life. I’ve followed the rules. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that because I have played by the rules I...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I know no stranger. Wow! That was a lot of “knowing.” In fact, until I was about 22 I had a reputation for deciding to be friends with someone, and proceeding to engage in friendship, simply by walking up to the chosen friend and saying, “I feel like we should be friends.” HA! Sounds so funny now that I am a whopping 29. People sometimes ask me if I still do that, to which, in my most recent days I have replied, “Nope, I’m at capacity.” It’s not that I don’t like people anymore, I just have realized that part of my motive in wanting to be friends with the entire world when I was younger, was rooted in a lack of stability in the relationships that I already had. I was provided with very little relational stability or connection as a child, and I searched for that throughout my life by moving from this person to that person for a long time. When I met my...

In the United States today, the desire for home birth is increasing rapidly, more rapidly than it has since the initial home birth movement that began in 1971 by Ina May Gaskin. If you do not know who Ina is, she was a pioneer for low-intervention, natural birth. Her outcomes were incredible. She has given many lectures to both midwives and physicians on the process of birth and has created amazing methods for dealing with what the majority of society would call complications, coining the term “variations of normal” to refer to these situations.
I studied her practices, history, and the scope of practice of midwifery today in depth before choosing to have my son at home. I was under the impression that with a low-risk mom and baby, any unexpected complications during labor could easily be alleviated by a highly trained midwife. When I found out I was pregnant, I began researching...

So, I’m averaging about one blog post per month, which is interesting to me. I kind of thought I would be blogging more often, but I also haven’t wanted to pressure myself. To explain in words the complexity of emotions my husband and I have been faced with would be impossible. Sometimes I think about blogging and I feel very overwhelmed at the thought of it because I am unsure of what to say, or where to start. People have told me, “You should blog more, it’s helping so many people.” It’s not that easy. I mean, I am so thankful that somehow this tragedy and my response can help others, but the whole thing is so messy.

To give you an analogy with how I’m feeling I will start by saying that I was a very messy child. I was raised without an example of how to keep things tidy, I had zero structure, zero routine, and my bedroom growing up definitely reflected that. It was a disaster 95%...

Oh man, I have been debating writing this post because I don’t want to offend people, but you know what… it needs to be done. I may not post it on Facebook, but for the lucky ones of you who are subscribers to my blog… you are about to be a little blasted, so get ready. HA!

I’m going to try and use my good ol’ sandwich technique here, which is what I always resort to when I’m not in the best mood and I want to try to not lash out and be completely negative, while still getting my frustration out. It is a pretty common communication technique, so I’m sure a few of you are familiar with it. What you do is think about your frustration, and then think of two other things along the same lines that you are thankful for. That way you force yourself to be positive and encouraging to whoever you’re communicating with, while at the same time communicating that you are not totally ok with...

It’s been a while since I have written on here. There has been so much to process, a lot of it wouldn’t be palatable for the masses, so I have been very strategic about what I want to share.

While I was pregnant I started a journal for Ira. The plan I had was to journal throughout my pregnancy and Ira’s first year of life, and give him this journal on his 16th birthday. One of the first thoughts I had after him passing was realizing I would never be able to share the journal with him. I wrote to him about every experience I had while he was in the womb, the things I was already learning as I processed becoming a parent, I wrote my hopes to him and my dreams for him. I told him about the intentions his father and I have as parents. I told him I hoped that on the days when he was frustrated with us, he could look back and read about what our hearts set out to be for him before he was even...

Disclaimer: It’s pretty late here, and this could very well be a lot of random thoughts, so you’ve been warned. It could be real long. :)

It’s been 7 days since my son passed on and I feel like I have lived an entire lifetime. I was telling a dear friend who has been battling cancer today (and whom I feel like I can relate to in a way) how many conflicting emotions go along with this type of experience. My heart feels hopeful in so many ways, but there is also a deep sense of longing. When people ask me how I am doing I find myself saying, “Best case scenario, I suppose?”

How do you answer that? I mean, obviously I am not doing “well” all together, but given the circumstances, is it appropriate to say I’m doing well? Well, I’m not sure! See what I mean? It’s conflicting.

I probably read my original blog post 200 times consecutively after writing it. I missed dinner because I was so...

HI everyone! I am starting this simple blog to help process though the many emotions, thoughts, and beliefs that one goes through when having experienced what my husband and I have in the past 4 days.

Our son, Ira Mac Heinberger was born on March 22, 2016, at 7:06am weighing 8.5lbs and was 22 inches long. He was perfect, a nice thick delicious little boy. When Ira was put on my chest, and I felt his heart beat for me, I knew that it was forever. I knew that this little person had changed my entire being forever. Shortly after birth, and due to unexplainable causes, our sweet son’s precious spirit went to be with Jesus. He only had his earthly body for 54 minutes. Knowing your child in human form, for such a brief time is a powerful, life changing event.

I am hoping for this to be a place, where I can not only process my own emotions, but also a place where others can come, read, and...