Sorry, not sorry.

Oh man, I have been debating writing this post because I don’t want to offend people, but you know what… it needs to be done. I may not post it on Facebook, but for the lucky ones of you who are subscribers to my blog… you are about to be a little blasted, so get ready. HA!

I’m going to try and use my good ol’ sandwich technique here, which is what I always resort to when I’m not in the best mood and I want to try to not lash out and be completely negative, while still getting my frustration out. It is a pretty common communication technique, so I’m sure a few of you are familiar with it. What you do is think about your frustration, and then think of two other things along the same lines that you are thankful for. That way you force yourself to be positive and encouraging to whoever you’re communicating with, while at the same time communicating that you are not totally ok with whatever is going on. So, here I go…

Last week I was having a lot of anxiety about going down to Los Angeles to witness a dear friend marry his beautiful bride. This anxiety stemmed, obviously from A. not knowing who all I would encounter at the wedding and B. not having seen many of these people in a very long time and being unsure about the potential uncomfortable social situations I may be put in. I have those feelings a lot, but this was far more intense. I weighed all the variables, knowing I could stay home and everyone would understand, and ended up deciding to go. To my surprise, the wedding was AWESOME. Every person I saw made me feel so loved, so supported, no one said anything that hurt me, or made things awkward. I LOVE our SoCal family! For all of you who are reading this, THANK YOU. You blessed me last weekend, so thankful that although I don’t see any of you nearly enough, when I do it’s always so perfect. Thank you for loving us well during this time.

As far as the constructive things I want to say… I’m going to try to be straight forward, but do so in love. If you have never been through a trauma similar to mine, and you don’t know what to say, the best thing is to NOT SPEAK. Even if you think you know what to say, if you haven’t experienced this type of trauma, keep your lips shut. Your attempts to relate, or give advice, will, 90% of the time, be insufficient. Don’t bring the trauma up, don’t try to compare a story, like “I know, I’m having such a hard time too, my boyfriend just can’t commit.” (Yes, this has really happened to me). Just don’t. In the past two weeks I have been told by others, all well meaning people, and if you are reading this and think I’m quoting you… please know I’m not bitter or upset, just trying to spread some awareness…

“God knew you were strong enough for this, and I am not, that’s why this happened to your baby and not mine.”

………..I’m sorry, is that a compliment?…. Thanks I feel great now that I know that I’m strong enough to take a beating from God. Yay!! He chose me to bear the burden of losing my son, because I’m SO strong! That makes total sense!!…

-No, it doesn’t… If that were Truth, which I do not believe it is, I would definitely be very upset with God, who wants a relationship with someone like that? I believe that relationship with God is a friendship, and He is a better friend than any human could ever be… a good friend would not do that, a good friend would not even fathom putting someone through something so painful just because, “they could handle it.” BAD THEOLOGY.

“After talking to you yesterday, I realized you don’t understand grief as well as I thought you did.”

….Um…. what? When this person told me this…. I literally just started blinking at them uncontrollably, I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm. This person has never lost a child, or anyone else before they first fulfilled a long, healthy life. I know that they meant well, and were coming from a more academic standpoint, but WTH?! You don’t say that. What’s wrong with people? Cherry on top was immediately afterwards they said…

“I’m glad that this has brought you back to church, and some good has come from it.”

OOOOOH MY GOD. First of all, God wasn’t worried about me not going to church. My husband and I had very strong fellowship, outside of a conventional church, and I think that God was perfectly pleased with our little set up. Jesus didn’t even like going to church… and honestly, I don’t think he would go regularly today if he were alive on earth. He LOATHED religious people. Why can’t we get that? Also, the reason I have been going to church is because of the people there that have reached out to me lately in relationship and been what I need in friends right now, happen to all get together at the same place, and I like them and want to see them… and they are killer musicians, so that helps too.

“God just needed another angel.”

• Let’s just get something straight, first of all, God does not “need” anything, He is all sustaining, all powerful, almighty, completely self sufficient, He doesn’t need any of us, but He does want us, and He doesn’t love us a whole lot, and He IS GOOD. God did not need my son, the heart of God is grieving with me over this whole situation and He did not want this to happen. Unfortunately, we live in a world with both darkness and light, darkness was responsible for the physical loss of our child, not light. Light does not control all of the variables on earth, and sometimes in the small battles darkness has victories. Ultimately darkness never wins over light… and God’s plan for our family and our son will be beautiful and full of purpose… it will all be made perfect, but the moment my son lost his opportunity to live a life on earth, was a moment darkness took a shot on earth and there was a casualty. His life was a sacrifice, and God did not need Ira, nor did he want this to happen. Second, my son is a human, not an angel. He was created in God’s likeness, angels are not.

Next:

This is a friend who told me about a conversation they had about me with another person:

“Hey, my friend asked me if are you going to be smart and go to a hospital to have a baby next time, and choose to give your baby the best chance of survival and I told them NO you are still going to have a home birth because the birth setting had nothing to do with his death, right?”

First of all, I know this has probably crossed people’s minds… maybe not in such an abrasive way, but I’m sure people have thought similar things. My question is, why on earth would anyone think it would be beneficial for someone experiencing loss to hear that? You think that hasn’t cross my mind? You think I don’t struggle with wondering if a different birth plan would have prevented this and given me a living baby? I have. And also, are you stupid? Of course I’m not having my next baby at home… I feel like if someone did that their mental stability should be checked. We don’t know why Ira died, still. We have no answers. We have done tons of testing, including genetic and everything has come back clean. With that kind of history, what kind of midwife would see me as eligible to have a baby at home? I’d be worried if anyone were comfortable with that kind of liability on their hands. Also, have you thought about how traumatic it would be for me to try and give birth in my home again? For the emotional reasons alone, my second child will not be born in my home. I don’t know if I could have another birth in my home. I am still completely supportive of home births, but women need to know that even if they are completely healthy there are risks. I was perfect, my baby seemed perfect, my labor was easy, and he still died.

These are just a few of the top things that have felt like knives stabbed into my heart on top of the grief I am already processing. Through these situations you really come to realize who in your life is safe and who is not. People don’t mean any harm in saying things like this, but they are not THINKING. Use your brain, common sense, be compassionate, for the love of God.

Ok… I promised a sandwich so here it goes…

We are all in this together. Life can be a bitch, but despite of facing the wrecking ball I have been more astounded by the good in people than the bad. For those of you who have looked at me, hugged me, and said, “I don’t have words.” CHEERS! For those of you who have sat in my chair at the salon after bringing me lunch, or a smoothie, or Starbucks, YOU ARE LOVE IN REAL LIFE. For those of you who have given me post pregnancy clothes, and told me I’m beautiful, and made me feel like a hero, I applaud you. It is hard to not let the super shitty things people say cloud the enormous amount of love and support you have been shown sometimes. I want you all to know, I’m choosing to remember those times even though it’s hard. I am choosing to remember the days when my fellow hairstylist friends from other salons left gifts and flowers on my porch. I am choosing to remember the times when I’ve walked outside to dog food and cat food for my animals. I am choosing to remember homemade almond milk at my door step, and words of encouragement. You are love in the flesh, for those of you who have wanted to call me for advice because you’re having a hard time, but haven’t because you know I don’t need more on my plate right now, THANK YOU. Thank you for being considerate, thank you for being awesome, thank you for refraining from taking the risk of hurting me and only saying the things that will make me feel like a bad ass.

I appreciate you all, even the ones that shoot daggers into my bleeding heart. I know you don’t mean it, and you are just learning too, but I may hide from you for a while. Thank you for loving me, thank you for reading my blog and knowing I love Jesus even though I swear, I don’t even care anymore. This is who I am, y'all.

Peace, Love, and Light,

Kristina