The Wheels Keep Turning

Well, it has been a long while since I have posted anything on this blog. I was waiting until it was safe to announce what happened to our son, and exactly why he died, but it’s looking like that could be a while longer. I am working on letting go of that. It feels unjust on so many levels to have lost a child because of the reasons we did and not be able to talk about it; not be able to own our family’s story. Alas, for now, I suppose the wisest thing to do is wait. In my waiting I think it would be better for my blog to not be at a complete standstill. Believe it or not, today was the first day that it occurred to me that I don’t have to post about his cause of death. I realized that I could simply update you all as to what has been on my mind as of lately. Amazing, right? Well, if you have ever come out of the thick of grief, thoughts like that ARE amazing. Thoughts like that are amazing because it is a sign of healing. Simply being able to think of something other than that is amazing because for the last year, that is all that has been on my mind. Every breath I took required effort, every word I spoke required wisdom. Every moment of every single day was full of him; only him.

My more recent thoughts aren’t so directly wrapped up in our tragedy alone, but in who I am today because of the tragic and the mess. Because of the tragic my threshold for stress and what I allow to cause me stress has dramatically changed. I often see people around me getting stressed. Stressed because they are late to something, stressed because their make up isn’t right, stressed because they forgot to feed their dog, or their kid forgot their homework at home and needs it delivered, stressed because they bruised their leg– I think you get it.

I think we, as humans, have a threshold for stress based on experience. There is no right or wrong in this, it’s just a matter of what each of us have been exposed to. For me, after walking down the road I have walked this past year, not much seems to really get under my skin these days.

Today I was given some information that, prior to my son’s death would have been a major emotional trigger for me. It was interesting to notice how calm I remained after hearing this news. It felt as though the trigger that once could send me into an instant emotional spiral, nearly had no effect. I didn’t feel numb, but I felt like I was able to make a conscious choice not to allow it to effect my state of being.

I am writing this to implore you. My challenge to you is to take responsibility for your stress level. Own it. Your stress level is determined by your response to your circumstances, not by the circumstances in themselves. We have a choice, we always have a choice.